Pic. PP Subspace, Flickr – PP by me

A common question posed to me (that I have tried avoid from answering many times) is why I’ve given up the opportunity of resuming the Baconship in my home church. Before I give you the answer, I felt very much obliged to share with you my struggles in being one bacon with two sunny up all the time :)

Being a fundamentalist, or sometimes people call that being “holy”. Acting as such to uphold stringent (but erroneously narrow) behavior which many times poised to be unbiblical and man-made. Are you familiar with the theory where listening to secular musics are evil? Singing contemporary worship music are less sacred than hymnals? I myself was part of this vicious conspiracy too, being a hypocrite of truth.

I still remember once how rude I was making a point to someone that skipping Sunday service was bad, if not evil. Funny you might see, but I do felt much regret of saying it though it was partially meant to be funny, but obviously pulled the wrong leg. I do find it very unacceptable of my behavior on that occasion, still.

Walking on water, or sometimes known as you-are-perfect. Expectation is good, but overload of it seems to be an invisible burden to  overcook the bacon on the pan. It is unlikely to be a spiritual man with super powers, manning several ministries on hand and attend endless meetings on Sundays, while resuming work on Mondays. It’s always disheartening to be told you-have-not-done-enough, as we might have squeezed the last bit of our lemon on that occasion.

I always feel very uncomfortable when I was being questioned from head to toe on why I was free on Saturdays and Sundays, and failure to answer according will lead me to a cancellation of leisure appointments. Catching movie on Saturdays were evil as you can use your time more on ministries.

Loneliness, something I personally find it hard to overcome. Being a leader albeit a human certainly understands the difficulty of being alone in the battlefield. It would be silly if we run to the fore front but realised everyone did not tail your back.

Being a bacon at times can be very lonely, especially when we face problems and heartaches – it would be rather difficult to find someone who you will be able to channel all the dark side of you without being labelled as thou-shall-not-behave-as-such. I am certain during our most difficult times, our emotion overrules our rationality and hence leads to many words with negativity (not your usual 4 letters, mind you). But hey, we’re all human right?

A failed relationship. Being a first timer in a real relationship, people like me tends to think that all relationships will go on like a fairy tale (hey, prove me wrong as but I somehow still managed to hold on that) but sometimes reality hurts. The pain was unbearable till I questioned myself why not I just jump into a lake and close this chapter of my life. Perhaps not chapter but the entire book itself. Seriously, I was sent to work in a place with a big lake the next day. I guess sometimes God can be witty too :)

If you were thinking that I in fact have given up church ministry, you’re certainly wrong. In fact, it was the three years that make me understand many things. I learnt that Church ministry is of humans where we behave like one – making horrendous mistakes, blurting silly statements, putting expectations on others but not ourselves, many complaints but not a single action coming from us, and behave like as if we are all VIPs of heaven. Sound familiar isn’t it? :)

Don’t get me wrong, what I’m saying was – it is the process that makes me really think hard and rework harder of my own understanding of Christian spirituality.

Amazing isn’t it. The decision of not taking up the challenge of being a bacon for another term albeit with the wrong silly excuses has turned into a blessing, making me able to see the greater picture of church ministry. Being human (real) in ministries is in fact an important key to understand the grace of God. It is important that we able to share our darkest secrets hidden inside us, without the fear of rejection, and being looked down upon.

The inspiration of this post originates from the reading “the Christian Atheist” by Craig Groeschel – that we are ordinary people at times live hypocritically yet receive a great awakening, to live real. Being honest isn’t a bad thing you know, in our journey with God.

And friends, I invite you to be real too. Afraid not to share your struggles as this is what we call the true fellowship in Christ Jesus.